How To Have Better Game Changing Conversations
Andrew talking through the Johari Window…
Are you ready to have more engaging ‘game changing conversations’ with your team?
Are you brave enough to risk getting know customers better - beyond what they DO and instead, get sense of WHO they are?
Do you want to know how to enhance your communication skills to have more open and trusting relationships with others you work with?
That’s were we are heading with this blog.
To help structure this article we will use the Johari Window - which is a useful communications tool - I will describe more about it shortly. For now, on the surface, it may seem a simple tool, but we will use it to access deeper parts of who we really are as human beings. And by doing this, we learn to build trust and hence better relationships with others.
Tapping into I to the Power of WE…
To get us going, I believe that in our technologically driven rapidly changing world, it is easy to lose connection to deeper frames of reference of our humanity. What I mean by this is a need to re-explore the ‘WHO’ we are, more than what we ‘DO’! So to set the context frame here I will start by paraphrasing scripture.
Ancient wisdom tells us all to play strengths, use our talents, shine our inner light and bring it all forth - and don’t hide it all under a bucket.
And as human beings we are designed to discover more about ourselves and to learn different things over each preceding decade. What’s more, our flaws and faults are the ‘cracks’ that metaphorically let other peoples’ light shine on, and in us too. You see, it’s all about connection and relationship.
The real IMPACT and POWER here is what happens BETWEEN people and motivational RELATIONSHIPs. But, conventional thinking tells us to focus on HOW TO methods, and for success you have to have the RIGHT skills and the RIGHT people in the RIGHT jobs right? But being a good communicator is so much more than this. It’s about being interested and curious in others, and desiring to connect with depth rather than just surface relationships. And in today’s world, as already mentioned, this is unconventional wisdom. Instead I advocate and argue that we need to tap into our innate human superpower of…
I to the power of WE
Choosing to open our communication windows
Imagine for moment that we all communicate with each other through open windows. And the more we choose to open our windows, the better the quality of our communication.
This also means that we need to be willing to be more:
vulnerable,
trusting,
transparent about our thoughts and feelings with others.
When we do this then we can form deeper relationships. Ultimately that helps us to achieve success. The bottom line here is that we need to CHOOSE to either…
have ‘game changing, high functioning conversations that enhance leadership capability. And connected to that is, the more you open your communication window, the better your collaboration will be. In so doing, the more you will discover about other people and yourself too.
OR ALTERNATIVELY…
we can just play it safe and not bother, or simply talk about ‘beer or sport’. But to be clear, these are not leadership conversations!
This is our choice, but it starts with your INTENTION…
However, some people, for whatever reason (be it a conscious choice, privacy reasons, shyness, anxiety, past history, lack of confidence, or willingness etc) intentionally close their communication windows, closing the curtains, or hiding behind the blinds.
For others though (hopefully that means you), it may be about growing and developing beyond certain fears or insecurities to feel more comfortable with the concept of opening up one’s communication window.
For example, perhaps you:
might be afraid of being too open in a conversation?
you feel awkward to talk about yourself to others?
worry about giving someone encouragement, praise, or feedback?
get anxious mentioning a blind spot somebody may have in a 121?
or is there a cultural barrier in the way?
I appreciate all these thoughts, they are natural to have them, and if this is you, then I invite you to remain open-minded however please!
In a moment, we’re going to look at three ways you can open your communication window today through the lens of the Johari Window.
So what is the Johari Window?
Before we go any further, let me explain the Johari Window.
The Johari Window is a psychological tool created by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham in 1955. And, Jo and Harry became Johari - simples!
On surface - it’s a useful tool for understanding personal development aspects relating to:
self-awareness
improving communications
interpersonal relationships & team development
group dynamics
But here, in this article, I am using it to access more depth of connection through more meaningful conversations.
The rest of the article guides you through three-approaches, three types of conversation to have more productive and better quality conversations. It is particularly useful for connecting to, and building good relationships with groups, teams, peers and helps you build rapport and TRUST with just about anyone who is willing.
There are lots of ways of using the Johari Window like feedback etc, but in this article I am using it as a lens to build quality conversation skills. Don’t worry about the labels so much, instead I will go through each box in turn.
So let’s dive right into the Johari Window. If you prefer a more visual approach to learning, there is a video at the end of this blog that will take you through it.
Value Point #1 - Self Disclosure
The first principle at play here is that the more we share, the better the relationship forms. You see, there are aspects about yourself that you are aware of, but might not want others to know, this quadrant is known as your hidden area, your facade - it’s basically our mask, and to a certain extent, we all have one by default. However, self disclosure is excellent way of building rapport, and it is a good starting point. Here, we volunteer stuff about ourselves, in hope we can begin a mutual back-and-forth exchange.
At simple starting point for meeting someone for the first time, say, is that I might ask, “where do you live, “what do you do outside of work.” I could then ask general non-invasive questions about family, a mutual acquantiance you know, if you had a good weekend; and then ask what you did etc. Another safe topic is, what’s going on in the news etc.
The second principle here is to seek common ground, mutual interests (eg, I’m like you, your’e like me, and we acknowledge each others differences and similarities). This is great way to build trust with others simply by getting to know each other better simply though common interest.
But as already mentioned, its more than just safe questions about sport and beer - that’s just the easy suff!
The third principle in play here is the willingness to go beyond common interest, and to mutually open your respective windows and importantly, allow some vulnerability. Vulnerability builds relationships more quickly. In doing so, we get even more mutual united power as we each sense each other’s backstory of WHO we are, rather than what we DO! So, here, this goes beyond common mutual interest. The rule is that the more you enquire of one-another, the more you can ultimately achieve together more quickly. This applies to teams too.
So, a pause for thought here - I’m wondering if…
opening up your communication window in this way makes sense to you?
do you find it easy, or hard to talk about yourself with another person or your team members?
Even if this might seem different or hard to you I encourage you to please try it out because it works! By opening your communication window through self disclosure you will start to find appropriate ways to open other peoples’ communication windows too. What’s more, I encourage you to stretch yourself to find ways that make it fit appropriately with your country culture, if this applies to you.
Value Point #2 - Discovering Your Blind Spots
Any aspect that you do not know about yourself, but others become aware of, is your blind spot area.
The important principle to note here is that your blind spot is NOT just your pitfalls, BUT also your potentiality too! If either of these is left in your blind spot area (ie unknown to you), it will hold back your potential!
Another principle in play here is that feedback from others can allow you to become aware of some of your positive, not just you negative traits as perceived by others. For many people feedback can be very hard to hear. However, with development and resilience we can all steel ourselves to hear what others think and the more we mature, to hear such feedback the faster we develop and grow. Of particular note is feedback from others that helps you to overcome issues that might inhibit your personal growth and get in the way of group dynamics.
The bottom line here is to see, and take, this type of feedback as a gift to yourself.
As I have said, many people find this hard, but I encourage you to do this as it brings fantastic results. We all learn more about ourselves. And our interactions with others improve exponentially too when we listen and take such feedback on-board and apply it! Feedback given honestly, really does reduce our blind spots about ourselves. At the deepest level, by actively giving and receiving such feedback means you demonstrate that you show up as a leader who cares, is open & willing to learn, be vulnerable and to trust others.
The key here is that taking the courage to listen and give feedback about others’ blind spots is way beyond just functional relationships. These are high performance relationships that you forge by doing so!
So, back to you for a moment, I’m wondering if…
you can accept that to give and take feedback in this way that you might have to overcome certain cultural norms? Also, as a leader, if you wish to develop yourself, and your team, you may have to find appropriate ways to do this.
So again, despite barriers, please try it out especially in your 121’s with your team (this is safer ground) - the more you do this, the better the results.
From my own working life I have many personal examples of blind spot feedback that have shaped and developed my leadership capabilities. For example, my 3-biggest life changes for my self have been:
to believe that people really do like me!
that I used to put myself down a lot and used very negative language about myself - until this was pointed out, I would not have been able to change this!
I used to brow beat others to get my way. Instead today, I now allow things to unfold and to collaborate with others to shape better outcomes
A great tip and starter for ten, to help you to give blind spot area feedback to another person is…
WWW.EBI
“What Went Well/Wrong. Even Better If!”
So I would like to encourage you to invite feedback from others by asking for feedback - you will find that your communication window becomes even more open by doing so. This is because these sorts of conversations build trust and strong connections with others.It builds a two way street as well.
Another tip here is to remember it is FEAR THAT HOLDS US ALL BACK. BUT respect for others and caring about your people and your team DRIVES YOU FORWARD
Value Point #3 - Shared Discovery
once we have become more comfortable with the above you will find for yourself that by opening up your mutual communication windows when working with others, means that you make it possible to discover unknown aspects about one another - that neither person appreciated before. This is particularly relevant for 121 conversations, but also applies to high performance teams that have learned to build strong trust with one another.
Examples of unknown factors that are discovered through interaction and sharing are:
Getting an external facilitator to help you and your team develop - this is a powerful example
Coaching someone around an ability that is under-estimated, or un-tried through lack of opportunity, encouragement, confidence, or even perhaps a natural ability or aptitude that gets discovered through working closely with another person(s).
Sharing a situation with others that forces you ALL to open up and to learn together.
Sharing our journey of discovery with others - this is a powerful GIFT.
Working with others, and asking good questions, gives additional opportunities to grow & develop by mutually discovering new potentialities in each of us. For example, to:
face a fear not known consciously and realise you can grow past it,
becoming aware of a hot button that you react to, and now have control over it,
conditioned behaviour, or attitudes from childhood that you can now leave in you past where they belong.
The bottom line here is that there is so much more to discover about ourselves in this life and our untapped and real potential. And it is through deeper connection with others that enables us to realise them.
Real Relationships is what High Performance Teamwork is all about. The obvious word to use here is collaboration. But it is even more than that! It is about developing beyond ‘Contracts’, to ‘Partnerships’. When we do this, we open up new potentials and possibilities for ourselves and for others too. This is where building TRUST pays off!
So over to you again for a moment. I’m wondering if…
by reflecting on your own life and the deeper conversations you have had with people, how have they helped you to discover something new about yourself?
A classic example, here might be a significant teacher | university lecturer that impacted you and made you pay attention. Other examples are Mentors, a relative, or a close friend perhaps.
To conclude…
Whilst I have been encouraging you to open your communication window, it does not mean that you inappropriately overshare. OVERSHARING IS A NO!
Used in the right way, the Johari Window is an elegant powerful and simple way of effectively helping people to understand, and to optimise the value of working with others.
When we open our communication windows appropriately, with the right people, we connect at a whole new level that develops relationships exponentially.
This is the true power of I to the power of WE!
When people really understand it in their own terms, it empowers them.
If you want to understand this further, then the video below is the recording of a live-stream about opening up our communication windows using the johari Window:
Video - being playful with opening up our conversations windows…
Andrew Jenkins - PDX CEO
Together, we Make It Happen!
To boost business productivity and achieve amazing results in a rapidly changing world is pulled off by people collaborating.
The secret to success is a team story.
